Curly and the Beast
by Curly-Browed Marimo
Summary: Valentine's Day ZoSan fic exchange: request for an "AU" ended up being a vampire x werewolf story blended with a Beauty and the Beast parody. Not kidding, not sorry.


Happy Valentine's Day to MerryAnchor16! I'm sure this isn't really what you had in mind when you said "AU", but technically this is one, so I hope you enjoy xD

* * *

If there's a hell, you're sure this is it.

Because first of all, that pink haired witch turned you into a vampire and stuck you in this huge old castle alongside a weird group of people who'd been turned into plush toys. Second, the only way out of it was for you to fall in love and kiss somebody-something she was sure you'd never do. And she was mostly right there, you're not interested in that sorta thing. Not right now anyway.

And now, as if all that weren't bad enough, you're stuck dealing with this pair of idiots who snuck in to steal the witch's cursed treasure and got caught doing it.

"You green haired bastard, what have you done to Nami-swan!?"

Ignoring the woman's panic, you focus on defending yourself from the attacks dealt to you by the wolf guy with the dumb curly eyebrow.

"I didn't do anything!" You shout back, ducking under a kick and swinging your claws.

The guy's strong, and normally you wouldn't have much of a problem fighting him evenly, but you've been a vampire for three months now and haven't had anything to eat (or drink, sadly enough, you miss your booze) in that time…and it's not like you've even had the chance to take blood from anyone, even if you wanted to. So, naturally, you're weaker than normal and it's not exactly easy to defend yourself from the enraged werewolf.

Thankfully, though your pride would never let you admit it, the fight is cut short when the witch's annoying laughter echoes into the room.

"Horohorohoro…so these are the thieves that tried to take my precious treasure?"

The blonde halts immediately and a disgusting look is plastered on his face. "A cute lady witch…?"

You want to hit him now even more than before, but you decide against it for now.

"You're the reason I can't get out the door…?" The orange-haired girl stands up straight to confront her. "I didn't know it still belonged to someone!" She bows in half, though it's obvious she doesn't really mean it. "Please forgive us and let us go!"

"You still have it on you!" The witch accuses, honestly shocked at the girl's audacity.

Regretfully, the girl pulls it out, gives it almost a tearful look, then extends it to the witch. "Alright, you can have it back if we can leave here safely!"

The witch floats over and snatches it back quickly. "I don't have to make any deals with thieves like you! It was mine to begin with." She sticks her tongue out childishly. "You can stay here forever for all I care."

This sparks a heated argument and you really don't care enough to actually listen to all of it, but then the eyebrow guy starts making noise again.

"Beautiful pink princess…!" He shouts, going to his knees and bowing on the floor. "Please hear me out! Spare Nami-san and return her freedom…" When he lifts his head, his face has gone ugly with perversion again, tail wagging, and you're anything but impressed, "…and take me instead!"

"Eww." The witch wrinkles her nose in response. "You're gross, definitely not my type at all." She then ignores the pathetic guy's reaction and begins to pout to herself. "Why don't any _cute_ guys come visit me? This is the worst luck!"

Seizing the opportunity, the orange-haired girl speaks out again. "Ah, why don't I bring you back some cute guys? If you let me go, I'll find some for you!"

"How do I know you'll come back?" She asks suspiciously.

"You can hold this guy hostage until I come back!" The girl answered immediately, not missing a beat.

"Eh…? N-Nami-san-"

The witch seems to consider this. "Do you promise you'll come back? I don't wanna be stuck with _two_ big dumb idiots…"

The girl called Nami, apparently, nods assuredly. "Definitely! One girl to another," she moves in confidentially, but does nothing to lower her voice, "I wouldn't want either of them either. Don't worry, I'll trick some really cute guys into coming back with me…"

At this point you've lost interest again and you ignore the girls' conversation. Honestly it doesn't matter to you who stays, though it will be annoying if the guy decides to fight you again. Normally you wouldn't mind a challenge but you're not in any condition to get involved in meaningless fights.

You take your leave, planning to nap off this fiasco.

* * *

All said, things could be worse, you suppose. You managed to protect Nami-san, and while you wait for her to return for you you're stuck in a castle with a cute witch…though the actual situation isn't as erotic as it sounds, sadly enough. Ah well, you'll take what you can get.

The annoying part is that you're also stuck in here with some grass-headed asshole. …Hmm, that doesn't quite sound right, does it? Grass-headed? You'll think of a better insult later.

What's his deal anyway? Your best guess is that he came here for the same reason Nami-san wanted to: to steal the witch's treasure. And he's definitely an idiot-you can tell-so he probably got caught doing it too. Not that it really matters to you, he's not your problem.

You light yourself a cigarette and stick your hands in your pockets as you explore the castle. This place is a little interesting, after all it must be hundreds of years old. It leaves you wondering what it was like when it was inhabited by more than a few people, and how it ended up virtually abandoned. It's not really your area so your imagination's probably way off, but it's still something to think about as you walk through hallways and peer into the rooms. This place has to have a kitchen, right…? Witches eat, don't they?

Just as you start imagining a scenario where you win her over by cooking her a fancy meal, the grin on your face disappears when you happen across a room containing not a cute witch, but the grass-headed asshole, sitting cross-legged on the flood and nodded off against the wall. You make a face and a _tch_ sound, about to move on before an idea strikes.

"Oi, shitty grass bastard."

It's a little surprising how easily the man transitions to wakefulness, opening an eye to glare at you and grumble his response. "What is it?"

"Where's the kitchen in this place?"

He closes his eye again and replies. "Who knows."

Your lower jaw juts out in annoyance. "'Who knows', huh? Where do you get your food then?"

"I don't."

Now you're stalking into the room, cigarette between your fingers. "What do you mean, you don't? You're not a ghost, idiot."

"No, I'm a vampire." And the guy is generous enough to take a finger and pull back his upper lip and display one of his long, pointed canines.

"O-oi, oi!" You back up a little, defensively putting some distance between yourself and the other man. "A vampire? You're a bloodsucker?"

He opens his eye again. "More or less."

"Well don't suck _my_ blood, asshole!" You shout, pointing accusingly at him and covering your neck with your other hand.

"Oi, that's not really-"

"I know I've got a rare blood type and it's probably really tasty-" You continue, then realize with shock, "-Ah! Shit, I shouldn't have told you that! Now you'll just want it more…!"

"Look, I'm trying to tell you that-"

"Okay, well, it doesn't matter, just don't bite me, alright!?"

"Who would!?" He finally shouts at you, leaning forward and clearly irritated.

Well…either way, you've made your point so you cool off and straighten up.

"Anyway, how did you end up stuck here?"

"I don't see how that's any of your damn business-who said you could get comfy!?" He grits his teeth at you as you sit down against the wall opposite him.

"I can't find the kitchen and there's nothing else to do." You answer, pulling out your lighter and another cigarette; the last one did fall out of your mouth when you were shouting before, after all.

"Tch…" He rests against his wall again, arms crossed.

"I'll bet you got your ass caught trying to steal the treasure too," You smirk, flicking your thumb along the spark wheel of your lighter.

"I'm not an idiot thief like you."

What a cocky shithead…!

"Oh?" You ask with an exaggerated jeer, "Then what happened, exactly?"

"He was wandering in the woods, took a nap inside, and then got lost trying to get out. Then the witch cursed him."

As the shithead's face darkens, yours twists up with an evil grin. "Oh is that so? The little vampire bat couldn't find his way out of a tiny castle?"

The man's rage and your delighted laughter come to a halt as you realize something.

…Who said that…?

You look to your right, and there in the doorway stands an odd-looking stuffed toy of a raccoon-or maybe it's a reindeer? Either way, it's weird, and it's hunched over to the side with its plush hooves and half of its face hiding behind the doorway. If it were on the other side, it would look like it was peeking around the corner.

"…Isn't that backwards?" You ask, and the toy gapes in shock, quickly fixing its mistake. You stare at it for a moment, then look back over at the grass idiot, not quite sure you're right in the head right now. "Did that raccoon toy just move?"

"I'm a reindeer, not a raccoon!" The toy shouts indignantly, then gasps and stiffens when you look at him again before scurrying over to 'hide' behind the other man's arm.

Well, this is a surprising development, but you're finished with being shocked and you decide you're just gonna chill out and take a nice, long drag from your cigarette and sigh in resignation.

"So what're you then, a cursed toy?"

"…A human-reindeer…that got turned into a toy…" He reluctantly answers, eyeing you warily as he moves out from behind the idiot's arm.

"Ehh? So she can do that too, huh?"

"Yeah…there are three others like this too…" He tells you, inching closer to you, as if you can't see him doing it. "I came here with them…"

"Why'd she curse your group?"

You can tell he's interested in your ears and tail, but you keep still. "Our archaeologist friend wanted to come explore, and we didn't want her to come alone…"

"One of your group is a woman?" Suddenly the little guy's story is more interesting. "Is she a stuffed toy now too?" Maybe you could save her too!

"Yeah." The little reindeer closes in on your foot and pokes it a little. "And what are you?"

You give him a toothy grin and rotate your ears a bit. "A werewolf."

The toy jumps with a shriek and stumbles backward. "A werewolf? Do you eat people!?"

You're a little amused. "Even if I did, who would want to eat a stuffed toy?"

"Oh yeah-!" He says to himself, apparently only just remembering that fact. "Then don't eat Zoro!" He tells you, standing between you and the grass weirdo defensively, who's been watching your exchange almost disinterestedly.

You wave your hand dismissively. "I wouldn't, he'd taste gross."

"Oh. Really?"

"Totally gross. Who'd wanna eat a shitty muscle bastard who thinks belly warmers are fashionable?"

The idiot-Zoro, apparently-speaks up then, scowling. "You're one to talk, who goes running through the woods in a suit like that?" He spits out.

"Eh?" You put a hand to your ear mockingly, "What was that, lost child? I have a hard time hearing the voices of idiots."

He glares at you, hands on his knees now, his claws displayed. "What are you, eyebrow freak? Some kind of old man?"

"Just who are you calling an old man?" You challenge, ears flattened back and shifting so that you've got one foot on the ground, ready to spring if this turns into another fight.

However, it never comes to that, due to the interruption that comes in the form of another stuffed toy calmly entering through the doorway to stand between you.

"I wouldn't be so loud, you two." Ah, the heavenly sound of a woman's voice! Your aggression dissipates in an instant as you focus your attention on the plush crane standing there with a quiet confidence.

"Robin!" The reindeer greets happily, moving closer to her.

Robin rests a wing on his head fondly. "Chopper, I overheard the witch say she's bored, you might want to take cover somewhere."

"Ah-!" Terrified, he nods. "I got it! Thank you Robin!" And with that he runs out the door, leaving the crane woman to look you over.

"You're the one that the thief left behind?" She asks directly, though by her tone it seems she already knows the answer to that. However, you're eager to please and you offer up some more information.

"That's me!" You ignore the _'dumbass' _ comment uttered in the background and you sit up so that you're down on just one knee as you address her. That puts you at just about her height, and you bow your head. "Sanji, at your service, Robin-chan."

She chuckles lightly. "What a charmer. Did that girl dump you when she left?"

You're not expecting that question and it hits you like a brick to the face. "Ah…well, no, we were never together to begin with." But the idea is enough to make you grin like an idiot. "Though, if she were interested-"

"So what is it you do for a living, Wolf-san?" She asks, changing the subject.

"I'm a professional cook." You answer proudly. "Best in the country, actually. Oh-" Here's your opportunity! "Actually, I was searching for the kitchen when I ran into this useless green slug," You point in his direction, and ignore his irritated protest. "He's no good with directions and wasn't able to help me out. Would you know how to get there?"

"Of course." She nods, and turns towards the door. "I'll lead you. Shall we?"

"Yes ma'am!" You reply enthusiastically, this is the best news you've heard since you got here. You stand and follow her out, leaving the vampire behind to finally return to his nap. Though…you're still kind of curious.

"Robin-chan, can I ask you something?"

"Hmm?"

"That vampire back there, whose blood does he drink?"

"No one's." She answers naturally.

"Eh? Really? What does he do to feed himself then?"

"He doesn't."

"…At all?"

"At all."

"That's a little hard to believe…don't vampires need blood to stay alive?"

"It doesn't seem so, though it has weakened him."

The thought of it makes the minor hunger pangs in your stomach grow worse as you recall your own experience in going without anything to eat. Nearly starving to death was definitely the hardest thing you've ever done…and it's difficult to imagine what it would be like to constantly be hungry, but unable to die from it. Suddenly Zoro's complete refusal to drink blood seems a bit noble, even if you wouldn't say that out loud.

When the kitchen enters your view, you realize you've been clutching the fabric of your suit jacket around the stomach and you release it, smoothing it flat again. You look through the refrigerator and the cabinets to take stock of what you've got to work with. "Not much here." You comment, though you've already started planning out what can be made with the limited options.

You look back down at Robin, beginning your work. "Is there anyone else in this castle that needs to be fed?"

"The witch, Perona, is the only one currently that is able to eat." She answers, confirming that Zoro and the stuffed toys don't need to be fed. "She's the only one that uses this kitchen."

You indulge in a little fantasy involving the pink-haired witch in the kitchen as you decide you'll make her the most delicious meal possible with what she's got the cupboards stocked with, but you don't get far before another two plush toys enter the scene, this time an armadillo with a long snout and a…horse? A skeleton horse?

"O-Oi, who're you!?" The armadillo demands, a stubby arm pointed towards you.

Robin answers for you. "Usopp, Brook. You're a bit behind, aren't you?" She makes herself comfortable up on a stool, prepared to bring the other two up to speed. "This man, Sanji, was an accomplice in an attempted theft of the witch's treasure. His partner left him behind and may or may not return for him. Like us, he's unable to leave the castle, so it's useless if you ask him to help you."

That's a rather…harsh way of putting things, but that is pretty much the situation.

The noisy one groans in frustration. "If you got yourself stuck here too, why couldn't you have been a girl!?"

Instantly pissed, you give him a kick that sends him flying and smashed against the opposite wall. "Whaddya mean by that, you little asshole?"

"What he means is," Robin supplies helpfully, "One of the ways to break the spells that Perona has cast is for one of the cursed victims to fall in love and kiss someone. But since, so far, Vampire-san is the only one of the cursed victims trapped in the castle here that still has lips to kiss someone with, Armadillo-kun would rather have it that you be a woman. After all, the chances of Vampire-san falling in love and kissing you would be higher than in the current situation."

It takes you a moment to process this information, and it disturbs you when you do. "W-Wait now, so-"

The skeleton horse, who hasn't yet said a word, chooses now to speak up. "Ah, but we don't know that for sure, do we? For all we know, it's possible Zoro-san prefers men instead."

"It doesn't matter what that shithead prefers, I'm not kissing him!"

Now recovered from the shock of being plastered to the wall, the armadillo tries to cozy up to you again, looking crazed. "Not even just one kiss? You don't even have to mean it, as long as he does, right?"

Again, you send him flying.

"That seems a bit unreasonable, Sanji-san." The horse looks up at you, the amused tone in his voice pissing you off even more. "Are you certain you're not just a little bit attracted to him? Yohoho! _Oh-!_"

He's cut off as you kick this one too. "Like hell I am!" You shout, then snap your glare back in the armadillo's direction as he tries approaching you again, and he freezes in his tracks before skittering out of your reach.

"They're just a little tired of being stuck in these bodies, Wolf-san." Robin speaks up, sounding tired. "I am too. There's only so much we can do, since the witch makes herself intangible when she's attacked. And that's the only other way to break her spells: to knock her unconscious."

"That option's out." You state firmly. You absolutely won't have a lady beaten up, witch or not. But the only other route is… "Is that really the only way then?" You ask, distraught.

She nods. "Yes, that's all that we know of."

Returning to making dinner, you furrow your brow and frown deeply as you mull this over. What a hopeless situation…speaking of which, there is one other concern you have, something that just occurred to you.

"Robin-chan?"

"Yes?"

"There's one other thing, something I ought to let all of you know." Now you have the attention of all three toys. "Tomorrow's the full moon, and as a werewolf I'm gonna end up doing some things I don't want to do. And since an old place like this doesn't have any rooms that will be able to contain me, you'll have to keep yourselves hidden during this time."

"I was wondering about that." Robin answers, unfazed. If anything, she sounds intrigued. "To be honest, I'm interested in watching the process, but I'll be sure to stay out of sight if you're worried about it."

In contrast, the other two are huddled together and shaking. "Wh-wh-wh-what'll you do!?" The armadillo stutters, trying and failing to sound stern and unbothered by this information.

"I tend to attack anything that moves-aside from women-until I rip it to shreds."

"E-Even defenseless stuffed animals!?"

"Anything."

The skeleton lets out a shriek of horror and the armadillo curls into a defensive ball. "Who let this guy in here!?" He moans regretfully, and the other releases pathetic 'yohoho' sobs. "When we asked for someone to come, we didn't want some mean-hearted guy that turns into a monster to get stuck in here with us…!"

"Shut up," you tell him flatly, "that's what you got, so you'll have to deal with it."

How _will_ you get out of this mess though, you wonder…

* * *

…How long did you sleep just now?

Judging by the sky outside the window, it's nighttime. Wasn't it the same when you fell asleep…? Shrugging it off, you stand up and stretch. Damn, you hate how your body feels, everything hurts. Granted, you probably overdid it by insisting to continue lifting weights even after you became a vampire and started losing your strength, but what's done is done. Doesn't matter now.

What bothers you more is your hopeless situation. You'd learned early on that you wouldn't get anywhere trying to attack the bitch that cursed you, and there was really no way to leave the castle, so you're left wandering the endless hallways and rooms of this cold, boring hell. You'd once had the thought to find the witch's bedroom and wreck it, hoping that if you'd caused enough problems she'd let you go, but the one time you _did_ manage to find it, she'd knocked you out and left you somewhere else in this damned, godforsaken, piece of shit maze. It was enough to drive you insane.

The only other hope you have is that the other group of people that got stuck here will get lucky and find some other way to break the spells and you'll get out of here someday. And now there's that eyebrow guy too…you'd almost forgotten about him just now. Damn, he pisses you off, though.

Once you've shaken off your sleepiness, a weird feeling creeps over you. Something feels off.

You leave the room and start walking the halls, the weird feeling growing stronger with each step. The castle is normally pretty quiet, but now it's a different kind of quiet. The kind you can feel in your gut.

After you travel down a flight of steps, the feeling intensifies and you hear…something. You continue in the direction it's coming from, and when you get close you pick up the sound of deep, rumbling breathing, and something rustling against the floor.

You stare hard at the door you've pinpointed as hiding whatever it is you're hearing. Silencing your steps, you approach and reach for the doorknob-and stop yourself just short of it. There's something strong in that room, you can feel it, and you're probably an idiot for wanting to confront it, but you're not backing down now.

You grin darkly. You're up for a little excitement.

You open the door and it creaks open, revealing the dark, distorted face of the blonde guy you'd met just before you fell asleep, snapped in your direction to glower hatefully. He's hunched over a broken table, his hair grown out wildly…his claws and canines too. The dull fire in his eyes is very different than the ones he looked at you with before, and far more dangerous.

You only have a moment to take all of this in, however, before he lunges at you in attack.

Slamming the door shut again, you hear him thud against it as you take off down the hallway, attempting to come up with a plan of attack. Behind you, you hear the door bust into pieces and the werewolf comes barreling after you.

To be one hundred percent realistic, you're probably not going to find any of the rooms with weapons in them. That's not your luck. Your best bet is just to try and outrun him until morning, if nothing else works, but until then you'll probably just have to improvise with what you come across while running and hope you don't hit a dead end.

For the most part, your plan pans out. For hours, you run and attack and hide, and do it all over again and again. And it doesn't help that any damage you do is useless, since the damage heals up almost immediately. The wolf is relentless and his stamina seems limitless…unlike your own. By the time it starts getting lighter outside, you're breathing heavily and having trouble keeping up. You finally find a room with a larger, sturdier door and lock yourself inside for a break, flopping hard on the floor with a frustrated groan. Your battered body is crying out for rest, why isn't that damn sun up yet…!?

You keep an eye on the door, watching for it to break apart and let your tormentor in. You can do this, you keep telling yourself, just hold out a little longer…

As you watch the door splinter, it seems like maybe he's finally started to slow down. He doesn't seem nearly as enraged as he did in the beginning, but since he's still after you, you stay on your guard. When he breaks through, he lunges at you and you wrestle with him on the floor, claws ripping at each other's skin and clothing. At this point, his movements are clumsy and instinctual, and you're able to avoid the blows that would have done the most damage. But you're running on the last of your strength, fighting to stay alive.

You roll on top of him, somehow managing to pin his arms to the floor, and you stare your attacker in the eyes. It's almost automatic for you to try and intimidate your opponent with direct eye contact, but now it's intensified by your desperation and furious resolve to live.

Surprisingly enough, it seems to work, because the beast beneath you stills and glares back at you, eyes locked onto yours with curious fierceness. Seconds later, that fire begins to dull, and any resistance he was putting up goes limp as his fangs return to their normal size. You break your gaze to glance up at his hands, and you see his claws do the same.

You fumble your hands from his arms to the floor on either side of him, but now that your adrenaline's run out your muscles have gone stiff and you wait a moment before trying to move again so you don't clumsily fall on top of him. Head bowed just above his chest, you struggle for breath and you know you're shaking, but you can't stop.

"…You alright, shitty bloodsucker?"

Relieved as you are to hear his voice for the first time tonight-or, _today_, as it were-you're in a pretty pathetic state. You will yourself to move, but your body's frozen in your current position.

"I'm fine." You manage to spit out between heavy shudders of breath.

There's an uncomfortable moment of silence, and just before you open your mouth to try and speak again, he asks, "Oi…how long have you been stuck here?"

Now that you're out of danger, your mind's beginning to click back to normal, and the scent of blood washes over you. Shit, shit, shit…the body below yours is full of it…!

"How long?" The man presses, and though yours are squeezed shut tight, you can feel his eyes on you.

Unable to argue anymore, you answer. "P…Probably around three months…" You manage, "G-Give or take…"

The chest inches below your face heaves with a deep sigh, and it takes everything inside of you to resist your hunger. You're aware of a rustling, and when you look up, he's loosened his tie and pulled his now-tattered shirt to the side. He looks to his right, expression somehow calm as he exposes his neck to you.

Your entire body is wracked with lust in response, and you're aware of a noise escaping your throat and out of your open mouth, jaw slack and fangs exposed. Your claws dig painfully into the stone floor beneath them, and you're not sure what it is that's keeping you still after that kind of an invitation.

"I know you're starved for it." His voice rings clearly in your ears, almost too clearly. Your senses are going insane. "It must be painful." Oh hell, it is. "Since it won't kill me, go ahead. I'll heal."

Shit, there's no way you're holding back after that. If you weren't running on your last drop of strength, it'd be embarrassing how shakily careful you are as you grab his shoulder before dropping your face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent right before you sink your teeth into his hot, delicious flesh.

Everything else melts away as his blood hits your throat, you can't get enough of it. You're so hungry that nothing else matters except the warm feeling that's slowly, finally entering your stomach for the first time in so long. Short, desperate groans flow from your lungs against his skin between quick gulps of the precious liquid, and at some point you relaxed enough to rest your body on top of his. Now that you're finally experiencing some of that heat, you want more, and you press yourself against him needily.

You feel him move against you and his voice vibrates through his throat and against your lips, but if he's saying something, you don't understand it. It feels likes you're almost in another world as waves of pleasure pulse through your mind and body, like you're being rocked back into the land of the living after wandering in hell for so long.

It's not until your stomach is finally satisfied and your fangs pulled out of the man's neck that you start to realize the situation that you're in, and by then you don't care. Heat is radiating off both of your bodies as they move together, hips rolling together in a slow rhythm. His hands are on your ass and one of yours is up his shirt, and as you release a shuddering breath against his neck, you drink in the quiet moan that it earns you. You raise up with newfound strength, enjoying the expression of pleasure on his face, he's so undone and it sends a fire through your groin. His glossed-over eyes meet yours, and you lean forward to kiss him-

When suddenly the moment comes to a complete halt as Sanji freezes up, eyes wide, as if just now realizing the situation, and he blocks your mouth with his hand. For a moment the two of you sit still like this, very aware of exactly which body parts are where, and his face goes completely red before he tosses you away from him and hastily smoothes his shirt back down and buttons up his jacket. When had that come undone?

"I said you could take my blood, not molest me, you pervert!" He shouts at you, a finger pointed accusingly.

"O-Oi, the hands feeling up my ass felt pretty consensual to me!" You respond defensively, though he probably has a little more leverage on this than you do. You were lost in the zone for a while there.

"I don't have any control over what my hands do in a situation like that!"

"_What-_"

"And anyway, what kind of gratitude is that, for all the blood I gave you just now!? Any normal person would be sucked dry in my position!"

"Well, you're not normal. And you were the one who offered, after knowing what would happen, so don't complain."

Stewing in his own indignant embarrassment, he searches for a rebuttal. But…what he did for you was worth recognition, so you step around your pride for just a moment.

"Thank you for the blood." You tell him, sitting up from where he threw you and crossing your legs. Then, to lighten the mood a bit you bow your head and put your hands together. "The meal was delicious."

His shoe bounces off your head after he throws it at you. "That's not what I wanna hear from you, asshole!"

But it seems like the atmosphere has finally settled, so you let it go. Sanji stands up with an exaggerated sigh and starts adjusting his ragged, bloodstained clothes, and you toss him back his shoe, which he then kicks on. "I hope we didn't damage this place too badly."

* * *

…You definitely damaged this place pretty badly.

Shit, almost every room looks trashed. You want to blame the grass-headed bastard for showing up and dragging the fight all over the castle, but it's ultimately your fault for being the uncontrollable monster that almost killed him, so you decide to keep your complaints to yourself this time.

You're still not happy with the 'grass-headed' insult, either. Hmm…

"Oh!" Suddenly it hits you, and he looks at you with an eyebrow raised. "You're a moss ball!"

The look on his face is pretty funny. "Where the hell did that come from!?"

"All this time I've been thinking of you as a grass-head, but after thinking about it I finally realized you're more of a moss-head."

You grin like the shitty bastard you are as he shoots back another insult, but as tired as you both are the insults just bounce off each other harmlessly as you walk side by side. You're not even sure what you're doing. Looking for beds that aren't broken, probably? You definitely need sleep. It just seems strangely natural to walk with him like this after all that's happened, and you're surprised to find you actually enjoy his company. Since the feeling seems mutual, you both continue through the halls.

Eventually the absurdness of the whole situation begins to settle in and you both start cracking up over the shared memory of the scuffle that had happened in a particular room. What happened wasn't even that funny, but once you start laughing it's hard to stop, and you shove him good-naturedly, just relieved that nobody had died or gotten seriously hurt. A vampire and a werewolf, tearing up a castle they're stuck in thanks to the curse of a witch. What a stupid situation, it's hilarious.

Too bad your laughter's cut short by the agonized wail of that witch.

"What did you _do_ to my castle!?" She cries in horror. "How dare you do this to somebody else's home!?"

"Ah, well, y'see…" You start, but you don't really have an answer.

"Your home, huh?" Zoro smirks, pleased with himself. "Considering you trapped a pair of beasts inside it, I'd say you have no room to complain after they've lashed out."

"Oi, that's not exactly the situation." You backhand his shoulder, but he ignores it.

"Fix all of this up! Right now!" She demands, enraged. "I command you fix everything you broke!"

"No." Zoro grins dangerously.

"We'll see about that!" The witch lifts her hands, as if about to cast a spell, but before you can even duck, an explosion rocks the building and you nearly lose balance. Shocked, the girl clenches her fists. "What _now!?_"

She goes transparent, then floats through the wall in the direction of the explosion. Definitely interested, you both take off down the hall to see what's going on-though, you have to pull Zoro in the same direction as you a couple times because the idiot really does get lost worse than you thought.

When you reach the brand new opening in the castle's outer wall, you're beyond excited to see a pair of your friends standing just outside. Perona is screaming at them, but it's not getting her anywhere. "Who the hell are you people anyway!?"

To your delight, Nami steps into view and into a confident stance. "They're the cute boys I brought back, whaddya think?"

Fuming, the witch floats out of the castle's perimeter, and therefore out of reach of you and Zoro. "I think you're an ugly liar!"

"That's pretty harsh, sister!" Franky says, stretching himself out for a fight by dancing it out. "Be fair now, we're an attractive group, y'know!"

Luffy gets straight to the point. "Give us back our cook, you weird balloon!"

"Get away from my castle!" Perona screams, lifting her arms and bringing them down harshly as if throwing something, and the ground around them explodes, sending dust, dirt and rocks flying.

"Nami-san!" You shout with concern, trying to peer through the dust to make sure she's okay. Damn, it's frustrating not being able to run over there…!

Thankfully, you hear her cough and see the outline of her body move to hide behind some rubble. As Luffy and Franky get the fight started, suddenly you find yourself face down on the floor as something collides against your face with force.

You sit up, looking around with irritation. "What was-!"

The armadillo toy is sitting there on your legs, pointing at you accusingly. "You got _that_ far and didn't kiss him!?"

You stare in horror, then grab him by the soft, plush neck. "You _watched_ all of that!? You little asswipe, I'll break your neck and rip your stuffing out!"

As he struggles, another toy throws himself at you. "Let go of Usopp!" The reindeer cries, headbutting you repeatedly and punching you with his hooves. You swing the armadillo at the reindeer and send them both flying away from you.

The other two toys show up as well. "He has a point though," the skeleton horse adds unhelpfully.

"I'm not obligated to do anything with this bastard!" You argue, but then Robin speaks up.

"No, but you may want to do it now. You're not fond of the idea of them hurting that woman, are you?"

"Absolutely not!" You agree hastily, "But…"

Suddenly there's another explosion and Luffy lands with a thud inside the castle next to you. "Hey Sanji!" He grins happily.

"'Hey' nothing, you idiot! What do you think you're doing to that lady!?"

"Beating her up so we can take you home." He answers simply, not understanding how there's a problem with that. Then he looks up at Zoro, who's been eagerly watching the whole fight. "Hey! You seem like a cool guy! Who're you?" Then he takes another look around and sees the moving stuffed toys and gets entirely distracted. "What are you guys!? Can you guys poop?"

Clearly agitated by the fact that he can't go outside and fight too, Zoro picks Luffy up by his vest. "If you're gonna save us, get out there and do it!"

Immediately back in focus, Luffy nods. "Right!" And out he goes again.

And now _you're_ agitated. You don't want her to get hurt just because you're too proud to do something like…like…

Oh to hell with it.

You get to your feet, grab Zoro by the front of his shirt and smash your lips against his, catching him off guard and causing him to stumble into you. At least he goes along with it once he's aware of what's happening and puts his arms around you. Super gay, admittedly, but fuck it.

When you pull back, the toys standing around you aren't toys anymore, they're people. Really, really happy people, excited to be in their own bodies again. You're tackled again, but this time in a happy fashion by everyone except the woman, which you would've been more okay with.

"Thank you, Werewolf-sama!" They're sobbing, clinging to you.

"Yeah, yeah. Now get off, you're all gross!"

That's when Nami, Luffy and Franky enter, too, and the damn place gets even louder. "We did it!" Luffy grins happily.

"What're you saying, you asshole?" You scowl at him. "I was the one who had to do the unthinkable to get us out of this mess!"

He cocks his head to the side, confused. "What do you mean? We took out the pink balloon woman, was that not it?"

"You _what!?_" You punch him in the head, so incredibly pissed. "I had to do that for nothing!? And you beat up that lady on top of it all!?"

"What's what we came to do!" Luffy tells you, making a face. "I didn't know you had a different plan."

Defeated, you slump to the floor. Everything's turned out to be a huge mess, and you're definitely too tired to deal with any of it anymore.

As everyone excitedly leaves the castle, you awkwardly approach the moss ball again. "Oi, shitface."

"Hmm."

"The curse was definitely lifted when Luffy knocked out the witch, so that kiss doesn't mean we're in love!"

"Understood."

You're a little shocked at how quickly he agreed to that. "What do you mean, _'understood'_?" You ask, mocking his voice.

"It means whatever you want it to mean."

That giant bastard! He's grinning-he's mocking you too! "Oi! Don't think you can just-"

"You know where I can get something to eat? I haven't had real food in three months, after all."

"Are you saying my blood wasn't good enough for you!?" You glower at him. "Fine! I'll just have to cook you something that'll really satisfy you then, there's nothing else for it."

"You're a cook?"

"The best damn cook in the country!"

"Sounds good to me then, impress me."


End file.
